Pretend and grief at the library

At the library (January 2008), Emma was riding a little rocking horse.

“Bye, bye,” she said.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m going to the hospital,” she responded.

I don’t know what to think.  I know she is pretending to go to the hospital because in the summer (2007), Kathy went to the hospital to visit her mom every night.

Luke and Emma used to pretend to go to the post office or the library.  Now, even though months have passed since Joyce died, Emma still pretends to go to the hospital.

I don’t know what I feel about this, but tonight it just struck me with a bout of sadness and loss.  I deeply felt the loss of the grandmother Emma and Luke (and Aaron) no longer have.

“Why are you going there?” I asked Emma through my then unidentified sadness.

“To get some water,” she replie

Haunting Horcrux

In the final two Harry Potter books, the concept of “horcruxes” are introduced.  Voldermort, the evil wizard who lost power upon trying to kill Harry, has split his soul into several pieces by creating what are called horcruxes.  In this way, he becomes immortal as long as his horcruxes are intact.  In order to create a horcrux, one must kill someone.  One consequence of a horcrux is the soul is irrevocably damaged by doing something so heinous as murder.  The soul is no longer whole.

This is how I feel.

Chris’ suicide is like a huge ache on my soul.  It saps my energy; it diminishes my capacity, even my very ability, to be fully alive.  It is as if I have created a horcrux and am dealing with the consequences of that action.  Like the creation of a horcrux, Chris’ suicide is an irreversible, irrevocable act; it cannot be undone.

But unlike Voldemort’s soul, salvation for me will come from continually honoring Chris life and the few years he shared with us.  And possibly from…love.

5 grafs for Barack Obama

A few months back I wrote that Barack Obama would never step foot in the White House as President of the United States.  In “No Go for Barack Obama” the main idea I presented would be that if Obama was to win the Democratic nomination, he would be destroyed by the right wing and if that did not do the job, he would be assassinated near election day.  At the time, Obama was giving speeches on raised platforms and did not have the security detail he now has.  Although, I do not believe the Secret Service can keep him safe, I now believe it is time to give Obama a second look.

And so, I begin this new blog format “5grafs” with revisiting the Obama candidacy.

1
Can Obama win?
Barack Obama can definitely win the Democratic nomination.  He is on a roll of momentum and energy unseen in recent years.  The energy of his personality and the power of his words and ideals and his very campaign channels the energy, emotion, and power of the Kennedys.  Even Caroline Kennedy came out and voiced this.  After a hard fought campaign that may last until the convention, Obama will become the nominee of the Democratic Party.  And he can win the White House as well.  Despite recent polls suggesting McCain would be victorious in a national campaign, Obama will win.  He will win once all the efforts of the Democratic Party are focused on the general election.  McCain has negatives that will arise including his wrongheaded Iraq war policy, his ignorance about the economy, and his willingness to continue many of the disastrous policies of the Bush administration.

2
Will he survive?
This becomes the crucial question.  My heart pulls me to want to say yes.  My head cautions me against becoming too hopeful.  Obviously, this is a question that cannot be answered and time will tell.

3
Hope
Barack Obama’s candidacy and the success seen so far (he’s leading in delegates, popular votes, contests won, and is gaining in superdelegates each week) is about hope.  The thought of an intellectual black man winning the highest office in our nation and having that level of influence on the world is about hope.  Think of the respect our nation would gain in the world, the moment Obama takes the oath of office.  The message would be:  the oppressed can succeed.  What a change that would be from the Bush administration which has done so much to increase resentment and hatred of our nation.  Obama brings hope to the world and to this nation that we can be a better nation and that the hostilities and tensions in the world can be resolved.

4
Words
Despite Hillary Clinton’s comment about “change you can Xerox,” and Obama using his own words, words are powerful, in and of, themselves.  Words are how we communicate a message.  The words in the United States Declaration of Independence led to the birth of this nation.  The words in Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation led to the freeing of the slaves.  The words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in the 1960’s inspired the actions that brought about the changes of the Civil Rights Movement.  Words are powerful.   Obama is a deep thinker and eloquent speaker.  His words are needed in these turbulent times.

5
Why Not Hillary?
I voted for Bill Clinton twice.  I believe he was a great president and accomplished many positive things in his time in office including balancing the budget and providing a budget surplus by 2000.  But Bill Clinton is not running for office.  I find Hillary an intriguing candidate, but at the same time, I believe the time of the Clintons has passed.  On a more practical level, her baggage and negatives would galvanize Republicans and bring them to the polls, even for the likes of John McCain.  I do not dislike Clinton in any tangible way, but she is not electable and the Democrats desperately need to take back the White House.  With Al Gore obviously not entering the race, Obama is the best chance for the Democrats.

Walking Backwards

I woke up in the middle of the night a few weeks back and wrote this in my notebook:  “Time to face up to my problems.  That’s why I’ve been walking backwards all the way.”

Does anyone know what it could mean?

“It’s All Too Much” and a box of Stuff

In August, I read It’s All Too Much by Peter Walsh which presented an interesting take on clutter and how to reduce it.  The book suggested that one problem with clutter is not about the stuff, rather it is about the relationship people have with their stuff.  I found two things really useful about this concept:  1. Stuff has memories attached to it and people think that if they throw the stuff out, they are trashing the memories.  Not true.  2. If something is not adding value to one’s life, it is junk and should be trashed or given away.

I kept thinking of my one box of stuff that I have had for several years.  It contains my high school track ribbons and medals and many letters from a high school friend I have since lost contact with.  It contains other stuff too, like mementos from traveling abroad and ticket stubs and playbills from events I attended in high school and college.  It even holds the printed program from my former step brother’s graduation.

Some people throw that stuff out even soon after getting it.  I have never been one of those people.  I have always saved all of that stuff.

As I read It’s All Too Much, I did stop and wonder why many times.  Why save that stuff?  Will it ever be useful?  I surely doubt it.  I am totally different than I was in high school and so much has happened in my life since that time. I do not use the stuff.  I do not display the ribbons and medals, nor do I read over the letters for any purpose.  It just sits there in the basement.  It just takes up space.  Granted, it does not take up much physical space.  Regardless, I ask again:  Why keep the stuff?

The same night that I was reading the book, I watched the movie “The Peaceful Warrior” based on Dan Millman’s “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” and there were scenes where Dan had to escape from his former self; the one clinging to his dreams. The point being that all that truly exists is this moment and that thinking about the past and the future clouds one’s mind.  I connected that concept to my box of stuff and how it serves no purpose and is like thinking of the past.

Well that night passed, the next day, and the rest of August (and now all the months to March) and I still have not tossed my box of stuff.  Perhaps I will tomorrow.

(Not) Happy and You Know It

“If you’re happy and you know it, make splashes…”

Emma and I are at her swimming lessons, she is an Aqua-tot at the YMCA. One part of the swimming session is singing songs.

“If you’re happy and you know it, kick your legs…”

I really hate this song. I am not happy. There is a pall cast on my soul from Chris’ suicide and though I have happy moments and pretend a lot (for the sake of my three living children), I am not truly happy at the core.

“If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it…”

My face seldom betrays my feelings; the sadness and despair I feel is often present.

Given all this, please don’t get me wrong: I am optimistic about the world and experience many moments of joy everyday. For example, going to swimming sessions with Emma and singing the songs with her.

A Tool for Achieving Peace

A book I enjoyed reading when I was in college that really made a difference in my life was Peace is Every Step by Thich Naht Hanh.  It is a book about mindfulness and truly living each present moment.  I especially remember the parts about being in the moment while doing mundane tasks.  That mindfulness is something I think about often and wish to recapture.

Mindfulness has taken on a new importance now with having two toddlers and an infant.  Finding time to meditate or just relax and commune with myself or just sit and think without interruption is, presently, a rare occurrence.  Being mindful in mundane moments is a way to get that reconnection without needing additional time to do it.

I am in the process of tracking my copy of Peace is Every Step down.  It is a book I definitely recommend to any busy parent.  I will refer to it in the posts to come as part of my quest for achieving peace in my life.

Science Fiction or Political Reality?

The Duluth race for mayor has been reduced to two candidates. One is Charlie Bell. His main slogan is: “JOIN ME! Together we can build a better Duluth!” Here is one of his ads that he has plastered on billboards all around town:

The first time I saw the ad on one of the billboards in West Duluth, I was struck with a strange sense of deja vu. Where have I heard a similar message before? Why does this sound so familiar?

Then I remembered something from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Darth Vader beckons to Luke Skywalker: “Join me! Together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!”

Holding

After a long battle fighting complications from a cancer removal, my mother-in-law passed away September 7.

Many things are on hold as we deal with the changes in our lives. Please check back in a couple weeks when I anticipate resuming blogging at geminitao.

Challenging Experiences at the Library

I truly enjoy bringing my two-year old daughter to the library. I also enjoy bringing my almost four-year old son. Bringing them together does not hold the same joy. In fact, it can be quite challenging. It is not just a tad bit more difficult; the difficulty level is exponential. One plus one, in this instance, does not equal two. It equals something, I don’t know what, but it’s much more than that.

Here are two challenges, no, two experiences, from today’s outing:

First, after playing for awhile with the library toys, Luke announced he had to go potty. Emma did not want to come with at first. After being given the thought and choice of leaving for home or coming with, she quickly came around and decided to join us.

In the bathroom, Luke and I were washing our hands when Emma headed for the door. The door was behind a long thick block wall. She was out of my sight, but not to worry: The door is too heavy for her to open. Opening the door was not what she had in mind.

Click. Complete darkness.

Luke is almost immediately upset by this and called for the lights to be turned back on. I slowly made my way to the door.

Click. Emma turned the lights back on just as I reached the door and began looking for the switch.

Later, back at the play area, I started writing this experience in my little notebook. I had only looked down for a moment when I heard Luke’s voice call “Daddy” from a short distance away. I looked up and sure enough, he was nowhere in sight. I got up and walked around the corner from the kids’ play area toward the front desk. Not there. Again, I heard Luke’s voice: “Daddy.” This time with a hint of anxiety in his tone. I called his name as I changed directions and found him walking back towards the play area.

The joys of taking two young children to the library.

What’s Next #2

Today’s query: Where can I find…?

Click here to find the top answers.

The Once and Future President: Al Gore

In 2008, Al Gore will be elected the next president of the United States. He will win the popular vote with more votes than he took in 2000 and he will win the electoral vote as well including the states of Florida, Tennessee, and Ohio. That is, of course, if he chooses to run. Before discussing this further, let’s review Gore’s 2000 bid for the White House.

“While I strongly disagree with the court’s decision, I accept it. I accept the finality of this outcome,” were the words that ended Gore’s fight to be president in 2000. It also ended the hopes of millions that their votes would count. It was a dark day for the United States and the world. Gore had won the popular vote and very likely won the electoral vote as well. Had it not been for the Supreme Court’s intervention, he would have been president these past six years. Gore ran a tough and smart campaign and in the final analysis, in the moment of truth on election day, more people voted for him and he achieved his highest ambition at that time. Conceding to Bush was certainly heartbreaking and in “An Inconvenient Truth” Gore said: “Well that was a hard blow. But what do you do? You make the best of it.”

Gore did. He made the best of it. In his words: “It brought into clear focus, the mission that I had been pursuing for all these years and I started giving the slide show again.” The slide show, as he calls it, is his campaign to end global warming and his presentations about it. In the past few years, he has given the slide show thousands of times in countless cities across the United States and world. He has truly become a passionate spokesperson for the cause of recognizing that not only is climate change real, it is here.

Fast forward to 2007, Gore has had an incredible year so far. In February, he won the Academy Award for “An Inconvenient Truth” as well as being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. In May, Gore’s book The Assault on Reason was released. In July, Gore was instrumental in the effort to produce the Live Earth concerts bringing together two billion people on all seven continents. What will the rest of the year bring?

Can all of these activities be leading to something? Can they be precursors to a presidential bid in 2008? Gore has been questioned time and time again in the past six months about running for president and he continues to say: “I don’t have any plans or intentions to be a candidate again.” Even when it has been put to him in terms of the powerful impact being president would have on addressing global warming, Gore has stuck to his guns that he has no intention to run. He has even said, “I’ve kinda fallen out of love with politics.”

Were he to run, it would not only be possible that he would win, it would be probable. No one else in the running has his experience in politics. No one else has his credibility to move our nation and our world forward toward solving the climate crisis. No one else has the experience of having run a successful campaign and winning the office as he did in 2000.

Al Gore speaks of the “uncommon moral courage” necessary to rise up and solve the climate crisis. Were he to find that courage within himself and throw his hat in the ring in 2008, he would definitely be victorious.

Forget the Goals, Create a Class Schedule

I no longer do much with New Year’s resolutions. In the past, I would write out a few goals and attempt to follow through on them. Before too long, they became empty lists that are ignored and lost. I used to make similar lists on my birthday in June and even random times during the year. But, alas, the lists never amounted to anything more than that.I was intrigued, however; to read in Anne Truitt Zelenka’s blog about what she calls a “class schedule.” She shared nine things that she is planning on doing during the fall months. It is like a class schedule of goals, ideas, and actions to take. This may be the holy grail of goal planning and project management for me.So what does my fall “class schedule” look like?

• Blog consistently (3 posts per week) at geminitao.net.
• Create updated suicide prevention presentation that focuses more on my story as a survivor and shares more of the impact of suicide.
• Share current suicide prevention presentation with local action group.
• Learn (memorize) one passage from a Shakespeare play. I did this the first time in 1991 and can still recite many passages from Henry V.
• Read one Shakespeare play.
• Read one other piece of literature, probably something by Mark Twain.
• Write one short story and share it.
• Continue becoming more mindful by daily reading, writing, and meditation.
• Learn Cocoa programming so I can create a project management application.
• Continue spending quality time with the children and family.

These are the main things I wish to focus on over the next several months. One difference that makes the concept of a “class schedule” more than “just another list” is that it is presented as a schedule which translates into an action plan with intention for completion.

I’m So Confused

I thought the electorate in 2006 voted for change. At least, I thought I did and many millions with me. We could not vote for a change in the presidency, so we did the next best thing, changed both houses of Congress. The issues of the 2006 midterm election focused on the war in Iraq and the need for accountability; a return to the checks and balances this country is founded upon.

Prior to the midterm election, Congress had a confidence rating of 19% as measured by Gallop. This month, August 2007, the new Democratic led Congress has a confidence rating of 14%.

What happened?

Instead of accountability and checks and balances, Congress is writing the Executive blank checks:

• President’s surge plan, passed.
• $459.6 billion military budget, passed.
• Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act including provisions for warrantless wiretapping, passed.
• Conduct of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, check.

Oh, and on balance, this Congress sought to improve their balance sheets by passing a pay raise.

This is the not the return to checks and balances we had in mind. These are not the changes we voted for. These actions seem like more of the same. Is it time for a new party?

What gives? What’s going on? I’m so confused.

Not Another Dish

On a given day, I almost always have two ambitious goals for managing the household: spend quality time with the children and keep the house clean. The problem with these two goals is, that by 7 P.M., they become mutually exclusive and I suffer burnout and exhaustion.

Like yesterday, I cleaned the kids’ rooms, family room, kitchen, and entry. I also took my son to swimming lessons, played some games with both toddlers, read them stories, prepared their lunches and cooked supper, got their pajamas on and tucked them into bed.

At 9 P.M., the kitchen sink was again full of dishes and the top drawer of the dishwasher needed unloading. By this time, I was so exhausted with cleaning, the very thought of unloading a single dish produced fatigue.

Needless to say, I will be starting on the dishes in the morning when my two goals will be reenergized.